Why I Decided to Publish A Collection of Reflections

Someone recently asked me why I decided to publish my first collection of poetry while I was still in college, so this is my answer.

I decided to pursue this for several reasons. Some of the reasons are listed in the foreword of A Collection of Reflections. I've kept others to myself. Those are the ones I want to discuss now.

I've always felt like I'm on the outside looking in, even among my friends and family. Don't get me wrong, I know they care about me, but sometimes it's really hard for me to see it because of my own issues. I know I'm the freak of the litter, that has been made abundantly clear over the years. That doesn't mean that I don't have feelings.

I feel quite intensely, to tell you the truth. I've just never been good at expressing my feelings on an interpersonal basis. I write poetry because I'm shy, insecure, and I don't want to risk pushing people even farther away from me. I've been off in my own little world ever since my Granny Hattie died. I've never recovered from it, and the truth is it's because I don't want to recover. I never want to care that much about another human being again.

Still, I've always cared more than I should, and it's gotten me hurt more times than I can count. Even the little things hurt me deeply. That's why I'm so cold and vicious to some people. I snarl and snap and push people away because I don't want them to see how hurt and vulnerable I am. I mask my pain with pride and bitter rhetoric. I alienate people on purpose, before they have the chance to exploit my vulnerabilities.

I'm not asking for pity. As a matter of fact, I resent that emotion more than almost anything else in this world. I know I've never been pretty, funny, popular, or even properly socially engaging. I'm not the kind of girl that you can talk about hunting and fishing with. I'm not the cool drummer who can hang out with anybody.

Guys will never fall over themselves to ask me out. Most never even make the effort, and the ones that do are rarely the kind of guy that I could have real feelings for.

Of the people I graduated with, almost everyone had something wonderful to offer the world. Just about everyone had something that made them special; everybody but me. I decided to publish this collection of poetry because writing is all I have to offer. I was never valedictorian, an honors student, homecoming queen, or a class favorite--not that I blame anyone. I know my personality sucks.

I guess what I truly, desperately wanted when I set out to publish this poetry was to prove that, in spite of my multitude of flaws, I do have some small gift to offer the world. I just hope that it turns out to be worth something.